The Chosen One

All Hail Delmont V, Heir to the DelFL Throne

As Uncle Delmont, 4th of his name, was watching the human flaming garbage Gostkowski hook kick after kick, the baby Dauphin was sound asleep in his nursery (or shitting dark grey tar, his other talent). Worrying about losing to Notre Dame graduates in the gut punchiest way, is a long way off. How nice it must be to only be a few days old.

Why this Crown Prince? A recent vasectomy has now ended all possibility, short of miraculous conception, for the Lord of the DelFL to sire a son or daughter of his own. Therefore, the DelFL Kingdom and its ‘many tracts of land’ (Monty Python joke there), will be inherited by Delmont V, born on September 11th 2020, son of the King’s sister and the White Wolf.

Of course, as any Shakespearean drama would caution (especially for young nephews), the road to the throne is treacherous. Maybe, like Cousin Tommy, he will like frogs more than pigskin. Maybe, Keith will put a MAGA onesie on him and change the King’s mind. Maybe a usurper, from his own family nonetheless, will steal the throne.

For now, Delmont V need not worry. He gets to sleep and poop and stare aimlessly at the TV, much like his great-grandpa Delmont II used to do. The DelFL throne awaits.