Misery

Jeff’s fantasy football seasons seem to always run into Annie Wilkes.

Typically, it doesn’t happen by week 5, fate is a sadist, but that blizzard always crashes Jeff’s Playoff fortunes into Annie's arms eventually. The cliché about broken iPads and Jeff cooking while having a glass of wine only to suddenly have an outburst of Tourette’s because Benny Snell Jr. just went for 100 points against him, this has been written ad nauseum.

Jeff doesn’t want pity, he wants answers.

So here is the explanation, according to ESPN’s wunderkind support staff (one must imagine these mouth breathers wouldn’t pass a class at Owen’s):

ESPN_FanBot_Transcript_2021-19-10

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Here is another boy genius, Darren (whom I can only imagine left Kramerica Industries after the oil bladder system failed), explaining the situation, albeit poorly, while addressing X’s questions regarding Jamal Agnew’s week 3 TD:

ESPN_FanBot_Transcript_2021-19-10 (2)

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So what have we learned? 1, the mother of morons is always pregnant. 2, ESPN will hire them (see: John Gruden); 3, when ESPN makes a mistake they cover it up surreptitiously because, oh I don’t know, they want Commissioners to suffer through unhelpful conversations with people like Darren.

I didn’t adjust the scoring, it seems like ESPN did, and to make matters worse they don’t even know which mistakes they made or (in the case of Agnew) what counts as a touchdown. Jeff should be angry, but it should be directed at ESPN, or perhaps even higher up: Disney. The mouse continues to slam that hammer into Jeff’s ankles each year.

Power Rankings coming on Wednesday like usual.