E.T. Emotional Tony

A symbiotic relationship. It is easy to poke fun at Relationship Tony, or RT. The walks he is forced to go on during football kickoff (put that phone away or the walk doesn’t count). The golf simulator he isn’t allowed to have in the garage (but plenty of space for an arts and crafts corner). The foods and drinks that are forbidden for consumption (Tony, put that beer down). The DelFL events that he won’t go to (Dietsch’s with Raja and Natalie will be more fun than the Bills-Lions game anyways).

But some Owners feel that not enough attention is paid to Emotional Tony, or ET. That is the Tony that has formed a symbiotic relationship with his DelFL roster. Just as Elliott, from the Spielberg classic, gets sick when the Extra Terrestrial gets sick, or gets drunk when the Extra Terrestrial is chugging Coors, Tony is inextricably tethered to the ebbs and flows of his starting lineup.

Kenny Pickett throws a pick? Crickets. Mike Evans catches a TD pass? Tony wails incoherent babble about how he wants to sodomize his opponent to demonstrate who is the better man. His team loses? A salubrious silence. His team wins? A cacophonic cudgelling. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down.

So tied emotionally to his team Emotional Tony is, that just like the Extra Terrestrial, if kept away from his symbiotic partner for too long, it could be life threatening. This isn’t a healthy relationship, and he needs to turn off that fantasy app. To paraphrase the Extra Terrestrial, “ET phooooone down”.