DelFL Playoffs: Dear Santa

Boner helps Santa get out of a jam Written by Boner “Yes Virginia (1987), there is a Santa. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give you life its highest beauty and joy. But, Virginia we have a prob babe, Rudolph gots da Vid-19 style, and it’s spreadin’. I know some things about spreadin’ but, what’s we gonna do doe?”

Dear Santa,

Well shit! I know a bunch of great candidates that could lead your sleigh, but unfortunately all that’s available is this 4 man clown car (itty bitty Bo could easily fit, but he’s resting this week) on a collision course to playoff wildcard weekend. I can’t tell you who the best sleigh driver is, but I can tell you who I hope puts on the reigns. I will base this on their leadership ability, dependability, and 99% opinion/grudges (airing of grievances ‘Festivus style’). In reverse order of who Santa should pick to lead his sleigh: #5 Teflon Tony, King of the North Owner: Tony Alessi Nickname: Fish Brown Jacket Stars: lol 2021 Season: 9-5 2021 PPG: 419 Playoffs: 3-4 H2H v. Stinky: 7-2 H2H against Tony in 2021: 1-0 Best Matchup in Round 1: Dolphins D/ST v NYJ Worst Matchup in Round 1: DK Metcalf @ LAR Monday Miracle: Captain Kirk & JJ to the rescue ESPN Win Probability: 58% Houses: Slytherin & Greyjoy If he were in the MCU, who would he be? Benjamin Jacob Grimm Why should he lead the sleigh? Is this a casting for Bad Santa 3? He got my 67-year-old dad get kicked out of a bar for the first and only time of his life, and punched my mom in the face. If anyone deserves coal in their leopard print stocking (in an odd Dany Devito Penguin type shape) its this guy. I can only hope for another year of Uncle Tommy giving him updates on Kamara the Grinch stealing his Christmas again (yeah I know he plays on the 27th ) against his own D, calm down.

#6 NBBS: Stile Italiano Owner: Andrew Brown Nickname: X Brown Jacket Stars: 1 2021 Season: 8-6 2021 PPG: 442 Playoffs: 7-5 H2H v. Billy: 6-9 H2H against Billy in 2021: 0-1 Best Matchup in Round 1: Aaron Rodgers @ BAL Worst Matchup in Round 1: Joe Mixon @ DEN Monday Miracle: Darnell Mooney and the Bears D/ST ESPN Win Probability: 45% Houses: Slytherin & Lannister If he were in the MCU, who would he be? Tony Stark Why should he lead the sleigh? When looking for someone to shoulder the load of Santa’s sleigh I can’t help but keep looking at X’s WeChat photo (well for a few reasons especially 2 really nice ones... Sharon’s eyes). But also he’s trapped in a 12 year old dough boy’s body that doesn’t give me any confidence that this one man show is “fit” (literally) for this job.

#5 Goodbye, Sweet Prince Owner: Steven Drake Nickname: Stinky Brown Jacket Stars: 1 2021 Season: 9-5 2021 PPG: 369 Playoffs: 5-5 H2H v. Tony: 2-7 H2H against Tony in 2021: 0-1 Best Matchup in Round 1: CEH @ LAC Worst Matchup in Round 1: Michael Pittman v NE Monday Miracle: n/a ESPN Win Probability: 42% Houses: Ravenclaw & Tarly If he were in the MCU, who would he be? Agent Coulson Why should he lead the sleigh? Who knows what is even real with this guy? Is his minivan full of newspapers? How can you get disqualified from the Bunnathon and then still somehow win? Just because his dad is the lawyer for half the DelFL he thinks he can wiggle his way out of anything. He wants all the glory, he needs the spotlight, but can’t even give us his annual “write-up” if that’s what you call it. Without Jordan Widman by his side in the 11th hour little Raplhie will never get his Red Rider BB Gun and have to sit in his pink bunny costume (A Christmas story 1983).

#5 WAKE up it’s Tua Time Owner: Billy Brown Nickname: Billy Bob Brown Jacket Stars: 0 2021 Season: 9-5 2021 PPG: 438 Playoffs: 2-5 H2H v. X: 9-6 H2H against X in 2021: 1-0 Best Matchup in Round 1: D’Onta Foreman @ PIT Worst Matchup in Round 1: Terry McLaurin @ PHI Monday Miracle: Cook & Viking’s D/ST ESPN Win Probability: 55% Houses: Ravenclaw & Baratheon If he were in the MCU, who would he be? Starfox Why should he lead the sleigh? Now here’s a candidate we can all get behind (not that the bar is set super high I mean #4 punched my mom in the face). A great father, best golfer in the family, and the epitome of the Brown Kid Kingdom. The People’s Champ as many are calling him could tie a nice bow on the end of his 2021 with a DelFL Championship.