Giver of the Ring

Randalf the Scarlet and Grey, Defender of the Buckeye Realm

When President Bernie Sanders appoints me Sports Czar in 2016, you will see many salutary changes. Along with abolishing the national anthem before each and every event, contracting 10 NHL teams and requiring shot tracker after every golf shot; I will also begin the process of ending college athletics as we know them. America obsesses over amateur athletics. We are a country which resembles the guy who cares a little too much about his intramural basketball team. We might as well watch local men's league hockey or beer league softball.

This is not an article about how college athletes are extorted. They are. This is an article about how strange it is for caring, watching and discussing a sport with an aspersion of talent in only a few games each year. The argument for the NCAA is 'Tradition', 'School Pride' and 'State Rivalries'. But ‘Traditions’ are transitory, boxing and horseracing were once traditional American pastimes, they eventually faded when people realized that there is a better use of time than watching men ride horses and dance around a ring. ‘School Pride’ should be reserved for alumni, but nevertheless it has been subjugated by Walmart Wolverines and the entire southern part of the country pretending that the performance of teenagers matter. And ‘State Rivalries’, they bring about the absolute worst in America. This is proved with every 'O-H' & 'I-O'. Do people from Saskatchewan broadcast their provincial patriotism in public? No, with reason.

Alas, there is not much to do in Ohio when the leaves change color. If you are a lifelong Cleveland Browns fan, like Randy, even the Sports Czar can understand an Ohio State fan cave and unconditional love. At least Randy is consistent. He passionately defends the Buckeyes when the Buckeye Haters attack, while the DelFL Owners who graduated from OSU stay silent. So, Randy gets a pass; Steamer, who only became a Buckeye fan in 2002 when he bought a sweatshirt during their national championship run; and Warren, who is a closet Buckeye fan who hid behind the masquerade of Michigan season tickets; they don't get a pass.

So to all of you college football fans: I hear Kyle's Marathon softball team is playing Cooper Tire this Saturday, you might want to go check it out, I hear they aren't even charging admission.

Congratulations once again to Randy for his recent engagement.