The Cereal Defense
The solid case for DelFL Expansion
Last Sunday my brother and I decided to go to Jazz in the Park at City Park. To join us we invited two females that I had met from my co-ed soccer leagues (literally the easiest way to meet girls, pick a sport you are better than average at, and then add girls into the mix). So these are your typical soccer girls: short, thick thighs, with a set of butt cheeks to match. I knew these girls were feening for a whiff of Stinky Pete, and what a better way to send off my big bro then hooking this up (hopefully this will stop him from telling the story of getting a hand job on the top of a mountain). All we had to do was not fuck it up. I was with a 32 year old bitch Colleen (doesn’t it always make it better when you end up banging someone you hate? Like you don’t have to act like your choking them just to spice it up, it’s because it’s an impulse you usually have to refrain from doing) and Jordan was with a 24 yr old named Raine. Everything is going great, conversation is going great until Jordan starts rambling about his favorite series, True Detective. He asks the girls if they have ever watched it, and they said no. This is the worst possible answer because that just opens it up for him to explain not only what the series is about but why he likes it. As he continues this one way exchange of information I begin to cringe because I know he is about to fuck this up. Jordan finishes his discourse with the phrase, “It’s one of those series that you don’t judge, the series judges you”. At this point I take my sunglasses off, put my face in my hands, and close my eyes. The worst thing imaginable happens next, the girls agree with him. Now I have to listen to them dictate why they think this is true. At this point I get up from my seat, walk over to the port-a-jon and just stand in there in the sun baked stench of human fecal matter instead of listening to the rest of this conversation.
If you’ve come this far, maybe you’re willing to come a little further…..
My favorite episode of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia is in Season 8, Episode 10; Reynolds vs Reynolds: The Cereal Defense. In this episode Dennis is driving his usual route to work while eating a bowl of cereal. Meanwhile, his father Frank played by Danny DeVito (who is legally blind) is driving to turn by turn directions on tape provided by Charlie on how to get to work. Surprisingly Frank gets frustrated because these directions fail to coincide with the route he is actually on. During his frustration he continues to punch the tape player and rear-ends Dennis who is stopped at a traffic light eating his bowl of cereal. When everyone gets back to the bar Dennis is enraged and explains how Frank crashed into him at a dead stop and refuses to pay for the damages. Dennis is upset because the interior of his car is ruined, while Frank is upset because there were no damages to the exterior of the car and all the damages came from the spill of Dennis’s cereal. The gang decides to hold a trial and figure this matter out on their own. During this trial things get out of control and eventually the sides are split and everyone ends up questioning the character of the judge/ bailiff Mac. It is brought up that Mac does not believe in evolution and his reasoning is “I’m not going to stand here and present some egghead scientific argument based on fact. I’m dug in. I love my family. Rock flag and eagle… right Charlie?’
Hold up…. I’m sure everyone saw Wedding Crashers. How does ‘Kitty Cat’ the MILF who seduces Owen Wilson and forces to cup her tits go from that to a couple weeks later to doing Mary Kay commercials for the ‘Open Heart Collection’? Did I miss this conversation?
Okay now to my point, I am emailing everyone in regards to the potential of adding an additional 2 teams to the storied DelFL league. Every year at this time we have this same discussion and every year it is shot down. I have been one of the biggest detractors on this argument every year. My biggest concerns were: We will lose the sanctity of the league. When will expansion ever end? How can I be expected to field a team? Who the fuck is cool enough to join this baller league? Well somehow I agree with my brother Jordan and that sometimes we don’t judge the situation, the situation judges us. I am not the same person I was back then. I don’t go to water parks in Orlando just to black out and slap underage girls butt cheeks in line, and decide mid-ride on Disco H2O that I’m going to hang by one hand off the inner tube that is required for the ride. I don’t exclusively seek out short blondes with big poopers to put my fingers in… okay that’s not a habit I’ve broken yet and my rehabilitation is still being documented. My point is this: What is the big fucking deal? The majority of you were not there during the inaugural season or you would be kissing my cock ring like I was the Pope. If we had never opened the league to you and taken a risk on you, you wouldn’t even be receiving this bullshit email, know everything embarrassing every owner has ever done, or be in this league. Are we going to be like Mac and be dug in and not believe in evolution because we are American? Will we realize that eating cereal in a car (expansion) is not reckless. 9 out of 10 people would agree that Del is the best commissioner any league could ask for and that 10th person is a fucking asshole dickface. He has been pushing for his dream of 20 teams for over 3 years now. As I mentioned this is not a judge of the situation, but the situation is judging us. So if you say no to expansion because you are worried your team will blow butt, or you will never get a Brown Jacket then fuck you! I am not 100% on who the two owners should be but here is my proposition for you….
Steamer- If I could be guaranteed that I could be living his life 20yrs from now I would give my left nut. In some weird way or another he has done something for each of us over our lives. For me it may not have been making sure my homework is done, or that I make my curfew but what he has done I am grateful for. If when you see Steamer, and he says your name and laughs the only way he can, if that doesn’t crack your shit up you’re a faggot.
Ken- He was an original member of the DelFL, a claim which many of you can’t make. Yes there was an error in judgement made to try and derail a powerhouse boner fueled team on a run to a historic undefeated season. All that this showed me is that Ken will do anything to win. The NFL is riddled with acts of rape, assault, and drugs that are given far less than the 10 yr sentence he has been serving. He knows the limits of the league, he as felt the wrath harder than anyone could imagine. I just ask that either we give Duck City the death penalty or we lift the 10 yr ban. He continues to show up at the Bunnathon and BBBPC events as an active participant. If you are still unsure if he learned his lesson he just golfed 18 holes sharing a cart with Hesson which is worse than any punishment or cruel act that I wish on Kirby’s husbands dick/balls. Lastly, Birdman deserves a legit rival and Ken is a knee away from being related to him.
Alright I am almost done, I just wanted to clarify how I see this working out for everyone sitting around thumbing their asses worried about playoffs, division, and rosters.
First of all whoever we add would draft 19 & 20
Each team plays all teams in their Conference with their division matches being the last 4 games
Roster caps (for example 2 QB’s 4 RB’s) will be eliminated
Roster size will be reduced by one bench player (6 to 5)
4 Divisions as follows:
Conference 1
TBD- Warren Jeff Steamer Giorgio Randy
TBD- Del Sean Andrew Billy Stinky
Conference 2
TBD- Boner Bo Parker Jesse Tony
TBD- Birdshit Yanni Ken Kracken Tits
